Turning Point
I went off Prozac at the end of my sophomore year. God, that was wonderful. Antidepressants numb you and take the edge off your emotions, to stop you from being acutely miserable and wishing you were dead. But they take the edge off all your emotions, and you spend most of your time feeling like a tired, lazy zombie. So when antidepressants have done their work, and you stop taking them, it’s like cool mountain air after holding your breath for six months.
But I was still pretty numb and hesitant. Not about Christianity–like I said in the previous post, I still believed as a Christian, and still tried to basically live like one. I just kept my distance from the emotion of it all. And I felt guilty about the distance I was keeping. I believed, as I always had, that I should have been all in, enthused and excited. But I was worn out. I envied the hand-raisers in chapel, and the people who seemed like they had close, deep relationships with God. I was even a little–not very, but certainly a little–bitter. That sincere, enthusiastic worshipper used to be me.
One time in the chapel, the music team was playing a song. I don’t remember what song it was, or if it was contemporary, or a hymn. I don’t remember if the occasion was the morning chapel service, or the weekly evening worship service. But I will always remember the acoustic guitar being played gently, then building, until the lead singer was basically pounding on the thing. I’ll always remember that when the lead singer started playing really hard, he went from singing the straight melody, and powered the chorus (or bridge or whatever part of the song it was) through an improvised line about a third or more above the melody. I’ll always remember that as he started doing those things, hands went up everywhere. And I’ll always remember all of those things because of one cynical, slightly bitter little thought that popped into my head: are those hands responding to the Holy Spirit, or to the chord progression?
I can’t know what was causing the response of everyone in that chapel. The cynical part of me would like to say that everyone in there was just being emotionally manipulated by the music, but that’s unfair and condescending to everyone in there. But I can say that in that moment, I realized that so much of what I had been responding to for all those years was the music. The presentation. The same songs done by less talented musicians would have evoked so much less of that feeling which, as I wrote in the previous post, I believed was worship. Those sermons, based on the same text, with the same points, but written and delivered by less gifted people, would not have inspired that same tingle that I associated with God’s love and forgiveness. It wasn’t that I had been uber-close with God at my old church, then because of my sinfulness or lack of holiness, I drifted away from Him during college. I had just been deceiving myself about how close I had been to God in the first place. I thought I was feeling the Holy Spirit, but really, I was just feeling the music.
Don’t get me wrong–I’m not blaming my old church, and I’m not bitter towards them. They taught me that God loved me, and that though I am a sinner, He forgave me. They gave me my first inklings of the church calendar, of church history, and of theological depth beyond “Jesus loves you, so don’t get drunk and have sex.” I learned to take Christianity seriously in an intellectual sense as well as a personal one. They taught me orthodoxy, and gave me hints of orthopraxy, with the recitation of the Apostle’s Creed and the corporate confession of sin. I met good, holy people at that church, and I am a better person for the time I spent there.
Worship at the Speed of Life
The biggest problem with my conception of worship while I was evangelical was nothing my old church had taught me. It was my understanding of the role of emotion. That feeling that I had during church was, I believed, an encounter with God. And encountering God changes people. So when I had that feeling that a well-executed church service inspired, I believed I was encountering God. I believed I was being edified, cleansed, even sanctified. In short, I treated emotion, or emotional engagement in worship, as sacramental. So of course, going from an exciting, goosebump-inducing rock and roll service every week to Doris faithfully playing the piano every week (just like she’s been doing since the Eisenhower administration) would result in a period of spiritual dryness. If emotions are sacramental, then to be removed from those exciting, emotional services is something like excommunication. My error–which I think is probably very common in evangelical circles–was to treat emotional engagement in worship, and in Christianity in general, as sacramental.
But that’s an exhausting way to live. And it’s divorced from reality. I used to try to get juiced up on Sunday morning, then ride the wave through as much of the week as I could, until the next Sunday. But does that reflect the way of the life for which Sunday morning is supposed to prepare us? Let’s be honest–how often is life really exciting? How often does life produce extreme joy, or earth shattering, life-altering tragedy? Something far less than once a week. Does work produce previously unknown ecstasies of human experience? Does coming home to loved ones at the end of the day bring us to tears of joy? No. Occasionally, life is a thousand foot cliff with jagged rocks on the bottom, or a mountaintop experience rivalling the Transfiguration; but most of the time, its slopes are gentle, predictable, and unremarkable. Life is a largely mundane affair. Even the events that do hit us the hardest are common. The best day of someone’s life, predictably, is the day they got married, or became a parent. And the worst day usually involves a death. How is worshipping in a way that attempts to scale unknown heights of emotion or revelation every week helping us live the life that God has given us? If we’re having life-changing experiences on a weekly basis, is our life actually changing?
This is not to echo the cry of the Teacher of Ecclesiastes. Mundaneness is not meaninglessness. Far from it. The mundane is often the most meaningful. Coming home to loved ones at the end of the day isn’t life-changing because we are brought to our knees with waves of love and joy every time we do it. It is life-changing because we do it every day for our whole lives. How boring. How mundane. How beautiful.
And that is why I like boring churches. It is worship at the speed of life. It doesn’t attempt to get a lifetime’s worth of soul-saving done in a single moment. It understands that its work takes years–in fact, it takes a lifetime. When people read the Bible and don’t sound excited or urgent, maybe its because they don’t care about Christianity. Or maybe because they are content to let the Bible soak and take time to do its work. (Or maybe because they didn’t sleep well last night. Why are you judging them?) In Peter Pan, Peter is a hero because he flies and fights pirates courageously. But we forget that the kind of courage we are called to is far more like that of Mr. Darling than Peter Pan. The worship I desired was the type that would prepare me so that in an epic spiritual battle, the Devil couldn’t take my soul. But I didn’t know that the Devil prefers to take souls with heavy courseloads at school, or relationships gone sour, more than with epic spiritual battles.
So here’s to worship that doesn’t try to change your whole life all at once. Here’s to worship at the speed of life, even if that speed isn’t always exciting. Here’s to remembering that still waters run deep. Here’s to boring churches.